You may have been directed here for information about the floods in Jeddah of 2011. I have stopped actively researching how to help the flood victims, but you can find all the information I did find here.

Nov 24, 2008

Just the First of Many

I want to put down on paper (transistors, whatever) what I'm going through right now. I want it to flow freely and I want to become comfortable with simply writing while having a point but not doing it in bullet format (which I do a lot, in case you didn't know). I'm learning, I think.
I'm evolving, I think.
I don't want to be rigid---
Nevermind, that's getting off topic and has a tone of being victimized. It would sound something like a whiny teenager. Not cool.
Okay, now I'm gonna try to simply type the way I'd talk to a friend. No point. Flow, you know? Unfortunately when I talk it sounds kind of airheaded what with the "yo"s and "you know"s. Not cool. And the "cool"s.
I... Am having trouble dealing with my inability to exist without the idea of my potential dream significant other. What's up with the term "significant other"?
Why--- Again, nevermind, I'm attempting to be philosophical when really, I don't have anything to back me up.
I think I need to pee.
I think it's gone.
I don't know how to deal with the fact that I feel the need to identify myself and my self-worth according to my potential partner. Wtf? Who does that?
You know what I need? I need more movies like Ratatouille... But without the stupid romance thing with the humans.
I need a kid's movie that has nothing to do with romance or violence. Kid's movies are way more influential than anything else. It's a fact. They're geniuses. It's the best of the best feeding and manipulating people's emotions. The writers of Disney should TOTALLY work for the government. It'd be much more successful. Productive. The government would be more successful and productive, not Disney. Disney already is. Then again, it's probably for the best that the government isn't.
I definitely need to pee.
Just hold on.
Why do I have to write as if I'm speaking to someone? Why are all my--- Why are all the ways I identify myself based on people? If I am to get to know myself and define myself, it should be completely independent of outside motivation. ESPECIALLY independent of imaginary motivation. This should be realistic. I am simply expressing, there's no reason I need to express it TO someone. I am me. I am real. I exist. I express. That's all. Subject and predicates. No objects. SUBJECT. Where I am the subject. I matter. Me. Me. Me.
This is healthy, isn't it? I don't mean it in a selfish manner, I hope that's clear. If we're talking about a rock, we talk about the rock. "We". Pffft. Let me-- No, I'm not talking to anyone so there's no way I can ask permission. Okay, let's start over.

A rock is a rock. The perceptions people have of that rock and what the rock's relation with everything is a completely different matter. A rock is a rock. Let's---
Again, not talking to anyone so there's no point in saying things like "let's".
Any rock has a certain potential. It has a past. It is made up of a very specific combination of minerals and whatever else of which rocks are made. It has a color. It has a texture. It simply is. It is not judged or worrying or anticipating or longing. It simply is. It is solid and whole and has a very specific very important place on this planet. It exists in a realistic fully fulfilling manner. I can be spoken about like that.
I exist.
I have a past that's about... Dammit. I want a piece of paper to calculate how long I've been around for. Estimates will do.
I have a past that's about... Twenty-one years and eight-and-a-quarter months. About. That's not taking into account leap years and it's counting from about the day I was conceived. About.
I have a future. No one knows how long or what or where or how, but I have a future.
The perceptions people hold about me and my relation to everything is a completely different matter. I am me. I have a certain potential. I have a past. I am made up of a very specific combination of substances that define me as a physical being. I have a color, which is made of a combination of colors, which are seen because of my body's made up of surfaces that reflect light in a certain way. I have textures. Made up of my body's different tissues. I simply am. I don't want to be judged or worrying or anticipating or longing. I simply am. I am solid and whole and have a place in the universe. I want to feel that. I do have a very specific place in the universe. It's where I am and I have that choice of being wherever I want to be. I want to exist in a realistic fully fulfilling manner. I can be spoken about like that.
Amidst the last paragraph, I flowed through the day. I watched a movie.
I look at my fingernails while holding a semi-fist.
I'm cool like that.

< o v 3

No comments:

Post a Comment